Love?,

I love people who have made me fall in love with them,
Or at least the traits they've shown me,

I've fallen in love with someone's pure kindness, gentle eyes, and comforting and warm presence,
Something I found so rare and beautiful,
Something I needed at that time,
Something that, though I couldn't keep,
Was such an honour to experience once,
A gem of a person, someone I'm forever thankful for crossing paths with
Even if briefly,

I've fallen in love with someone's vulnerability and openness,
Like a boat in the middle of the ocean,
At first so comfortable and safe with the calm, rhythmic waters
The beauty of such an experience
Was in how we were strangers for so long,
And somehow, miraculously,
Fitted together so well, and how I ended up being so comfortable and happy with,
But then I guess oceans don't stay calm for long,

I've fallen in love with someone's sheer optimism and high energy,
A passionate positivity that I found so inspiring,
A brightness in their eyes, shining with ambition,
hope,
love,
and kindness too
So much strength, but a softness as well,
I'm always in admiration of how full of life one can be, and so full of smiles and happy eyes,
When I've usually been surrounded with complaints and negativity,
I forgot how refreshing and invigorating one's positivity can be

I've fallen in love with someone's friendship,
How even with the tides of time,
Our friendship only got stronger when we met again, even through short sleepovers,
Contrasting against years apart and no conversation,
Things were just so normal for two 'old' friends to come together again
And talk about things, reflect, criticise,
And of course laugh about the silly things we did and still do
Happy-go-lucky, critical, adventurous, kind, and genuine,
Not sure how or why I'm this blessed,
But blessed nonetheless,

I've fallen in love with how someone can make me laugh until my stomach aches,
Until I'm so filled with joy and happiness that it's bursting at the seams,
And I just end up letting out a
loud, unadulterated laugh,
Or a continuous laugh that just seems endless,
I had forgotten what it felt like to feel stomach-aching laughter,
And when someone reminds you of that feeling,
You can't help but feel a sense of gratitude and love for that person,

I've fallen with someone who always believed in me,
Someone who pushed me to be more critical,
Who unmasked points of view I'd never considered,
Who opened my eyes to the complexities and shades of our world,
Someone who was there for me too through difficult times,

I've fallen in love too with someone's calm character,
Their rational judgment,
Their laughter and carefree singing,
And how someone can be so good to me,
And how they learned to be patient with me,
By accepting my blurness or un-Malayness,
by accepting the parts of me that I thought would turn people away,
In the short amount of time,
We helped each other to strive and to persevere,
As well as being constants for each other,
Even if for just a little while longer

I've fallen in love with so many traits and friendships,
And it is in so many of past and current friendships and exchanges
That I've fallen in love with humanity, and the vastness of beautiful experiences
I've yet to discover and explore,
Whether it's in other people,
Or in places or things,
There's so much the world can offer,
And that's why I've fallen in love,
So many times, and I hope,
For many times more

What rock climbing taught me

1. Capable of doing more than I thought
2. Surround myself with good people
3. It's okay to fail/fall

Lost

I feel a bit lost. Okay, a lot lost. It's kind of like being stranded at sea, and not knowing which direction to swim in to find land.

I want to make an impact. It's almost a need, a painful desire to do something meaningful. I want to change myself for the better, and change the world for the better. I actually feel pretty frustrated and stressed out because of this. And that's one of the many things about myself that I want to change: I need to have a more positive mindset.

I want to get to know myself better too, as cliche as that sounds. Part of that is writing in a way that reflects who I am.

One other thing is that I always have the intention to do something good, to help improve someone's life, to make this world a better place. But I never know how. There are a lot of things I'm unhappy about and would like to change, and I just don't know where to start.

Also, I have an urge to start something. A website, an event, a program, something.

The thing is, I never feel like I've done enough or am doing enough. And this sense of...  hopeless exasperation slowly turns into idleness. Usually this urge to do something dies away and I end up falling into an endless warp of Youtube videos or TV shows.

I should acknowledge whatever good I've done already, even (or especially?) in the little, everyday things. I guess it's kind of like appreciating what you already have, instead of trying to satisfy your infinite wants. I guess I need to achieve a balance between acknowledging what I've already done, and a drive to continue to do more and better things.

I kind of feel a bit all over the place at the moment, as you can probably tell...

Love,
Kamilia

A foreigner

What I had loved and been so comfortable with has become foreign to me.

I used to love writing. Writing stories and even passionate essays in English class, or blogging about an experience or a feeling, I loved the challenge of trying to translate what was in my head into written words. I can only remember vaguely the sense of fulfillment after successfully forming intangible thoughts into actual words and sentences.

Though, I haven't written much ever since my exams ended in June. Okay, History and Economic essays aren't exactly the kind of writing I miss. Disregarding essays and the like, I've barely written anything in a very long time. And I miss it. A lot.

Also, I think my ability to verbally describe and explain things to people has significantly worsened over the past couple of years. It usually starts off pretty well... and almost always ends up into a messy state of 'uh's, disgruntled facial expressions, and desperate hand gestures, all in the struggle of trying to get my point across. Ah!!

I've been meaning to practice writing via this blog for quite some time. But, like many things that I've been meaning to do or start, I've been putting it off. Maybe I've been trying to avoid finally realising how bad I am at writing, or maybe I was put off by the amount of time and effort I'd need to put in to improve my writing, or both. Anyway, what finally pushed me to actually write something were my friend's posts on this travel site, Zifago. Her posts really inspired me, not only to write but to actually try and do the other things I've been meaning to do.

I think it'll take some time before I get into the full swing of writing again. So, hopefully, you'll hear from me sometime soon. Till then!

Love,
Kamilia

Lesson no.20: Happiness is a certain way of seeing things

It seems that I've lost this perspective, so it's here as a little self-reminder.

Love,
Kam

The storm, the calm

The storm - the dark clouds slowly begin to drift away, except for the few stubborn ones - the sun, and the calmness after.

It's in the hard, devastating moments that one finds the toughest of times in fully trusting God, and in not worrying about the things one can't control. When I received my rejection e-mail from Oxford, my head was filled with conflicting forces. I didn't want to be sad, or feel the devastation I initially felt any longer than that short moment. On the whole, I really was okay; I succeeded, somehow, in fighting off the disappointment and self-doubt until it was seemingly gone. Yet, even after a night's rest, I realised that even though the storm had passed, a few clouds remained. Admittedly, even as I managed to convince myself to think rationally, to some extent, I started to lose a bit of hope...

So I guess it's like tying your camel with the best rope, the best chains, the best padlocks, and the like, to the sturdiest of things - but, in the end, your camel goes missing.

It's times when you 'lose your camel' that it's important to reflect on all the blessings you have and had. The end result of your journey might not be what you expected, e.g. your camel going missing, but just think about all the beautiful experiences you had during the journey. The things you've learnt, the people you've met, and the person you've become. Moreover, the ideal that you had in your mind (being able to keep your camel throughout the whole... expedition?) wasn't realised, but you never know what may happen next. It might immediately get worse, or better. There's an excitement about the future's uncertainty. Think of all the possibilities! What we should be concerned about is the things within our control, and what we choose to make out of it. In dearsarina's words, "Part of the excitement is not always knowing what happens in the next chapter. But with a little faith and the right attitude, anything can change you for the better."

Thus, I began to completely accept that I had done my duty, which is everything that's within my power, and that I'd done it with immense effort. I'd say I'd given it "everything I've got", and I guess it was everything at the time. But, I know I can do better. "Everything" you once knew and were won't be the same "everything" you'll know and be after some time.

This has been such a humbling experience, truly. My heart is filled with gratitude when I think about how blessed my life's been (most of it, if not all, are things I can never take credit for) - I've been more than lucky for all the highs and lows I've been through.

As the last couple of stubborn clouds melted away, the sun was visible and the calm returned. Alhamdulillah.

And, unexpectedly, I received an offer from LSE a couple days after. Post nubila phoebus, and a rainbow?

What is coming is better than what is gone - Arabic proverb (found this gem in the blog I linked to earlier!)

Love,
Kamilia

2015