The storm, the calm

The storm - the dark clouds slowly begin to drift away, except for the few stubborn ones - the sun, and the calmness after.

It's in the hard, devastating moments that one finds the toughest of times in fully trusting God, and in not worrying about the things one can't control. When I received my rejection e-mail from Oxford, my head was filled with conflicting forces. I didn't want to be sad, or feel the devastation I initially felt any longer than that short moment. On the whole, I really was okay; I succeeded, somehow, in fighting off the disappointment and self-doubt until it was seemingly gone. Yet, even after a night's rest, I realised that even though the storm had passed, a few clouds remained. Admittedly, even as I managed to convince myself to think rationally, to some extent, I started to lose a bit of hope...

So I guess it's like tying your camel with the best rope, the best chains, the best padlocks, and the like, to the sturdiest of things - but, in the end, your camel goes missing.

It's times when you 'lose your camel' that it's important to reflect on all the blessings you have and had. The end result of your journey might not be what you expected, e.g. your camel going missing, but just think about all the beautiful experiences you had during the journey. The things you've learnt, the people you've met, and the person you've become. Moreover, the ideal that you had in your mind (being able to keep your camel throughout the whole... expedition?) wasn't realised, but you never know what may happen next. It might immediately get worse, or better. There's an excitement about the future's uncertainty. Think of all the possibilities! What we should be concerned about is the things within our control, and what we choose to make out of it. In dearsarina's words, "Part of the excitement is not always knowing what happens in the next chapter. But with a little faith and the right attitude, anything can change you for the better."

Thus, I began to completely accept that I had done my duty, which is everything that's within my power, and that I'd done it with immense effort. I'd say I'd given it "everything I've got", and I guess it was everything at the time. But, I know I can do better. "Everything" you once knew and were won't be the same "everything" you'll know and be after some time.

This has been such a humbling experience, truly. My heart is filled with gratitude when I think about how blessed my life's been (most of it, if not all, are things I can never take credit for) - I've been more than lucky for all the highs and lows I've been through.

As the last couple of stubborn clouds melted away, the sun was visible and the calm returned. Alhamdulillah.

And, unexpectedly, I received an offer from LSE a couple days after. Post nubila phoebus, and a rainbow?

What is coming is better than what is gone - Arabic proverb (found this gem in the blog I linked to earlier!)

Love,
Kamilia